Grateful Heart

I hope each and every one of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! There is so so much to be thankful for. I know this year seems to flipped sideways and unpredictable but it is such a good reminder for me that none of this is news to the Lord! It gives me great peace and comfort knowing that our All Mighty King is in control and watching over us. I apologize for such a gap in time from my last update. I have had a tough couple months and have neglected to share.

I am not sure where to start or where I even left off last… So bare with me! For those who around me enough they know this already (it’s hard to miss) but for those that aren’t my hands shake constantly. It has been awhile now but they are progressively getting worse. I have days I cannot put a lid on a bottle or pour my own drink without making a mess. It is one of the things that has kept me from writing my latest blog as it is very frustrating for me to type for long periods of time. I find myself constantly gripping things tightly or holding my own hands firmly so they don’t move or others don’t see. As it has gotten worse I also have had nerve jolting. All throughout the day and night I get these random jolts of pain through my body that cause reflex. If I tried to describe it to someone it would be when you are at the doctor and they hit your knee to check your reflex and your leg automatically swings out. Well that happens all over my body at the most odd times and places. I have have had several MRIs done when the shaking first began and everything looked good but my neurologist retired. I am set to see my new neurologist on the 21st so if you could be praying for that I would greatly appreciate it. It is a small thing in the midst of what I have been through but it is definitely something that affects my daily activities.

The next obstacle I attacked and conquered was that nasty intestinal infection I had back in May… well it returned and with a vengeance! This time it stayed a lot longer! I did two rounds of antibiotics and it eventually went packing but that was a tough month. It felt like I had glass in my stomach and I had a fever then would be freezing, back and forth back and forth! I felt like a ping pong ball! I am thankful to say that has cleared up and left the playing field!

I had my latest tests done for my continual cyst issue. There was some good news so I will start there first! The peritoneal fluid pockets have dramatically reduced in size! Which is incredible. These are the cysts that have continued to come back the last 9 times previously. That was awesome news! What was surprising to us is now I have ovarian cysts! A golf ball on one side and a tennis ball on the other!!! No wonder I have had pressure on my bladder yet again! I was convinced this is now the time to finally remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes. I sat down with my primary doctor and discussed things. I have always known that there is no guarantee this would fix the issue but even the chance was worth it to me! So I called my OBGYN and told him I am ready let’s do this… That phone call was not what I expected. He explained to me he was not comfortable removing them. He would never do that surgery on me as I have too many adhesions and scar tissue from other abdominal surgeries and it is way too risky. So he referred me to an oncologist OBGYN.

The following week I was at the Cancer center down at Cedars Sinai, probably one of the only buildings I haven’t had to be at yet! Waiting in his office I was actually excited. I know that sounds kind of silly but the idea that there was possibly a solution to these cysts never coming back was incredible. Well my excitement was soon turned into disappointment as he also agreed with my normal OB. In fact he said it would be irresponsible to remove them as it would only create more room for my cysts to grow and possibly come back faster. My issue is not gynecological but surgical. The fluid causing these cysts is not coming from my fallopian tubes and he could 100% assure me that. He said my issue is caused by all my abdominal surgeries and the empty cavity left behind. Removing more organs of mine could only cause more damage to my body. In one sense I was relieved as going into early menopause is not something I ever wanted or being on hormones. Nor did I want to go through a major surgery like that but… now what? I continue dealing with these cysts every 6 months?

While I sat in his office he continue to talk to me about my history and said that he was more worried about things like ovarian cancer or ovarian disease. So I was lucky enough to have a vaginal biopsy done right then and there. Let me tell you those are not pleasant. They are very painful. But the good news is everything was negative. So I am thankful that I got that out of the way. Shortly after the biopsy though I did have a cyst that burst. The smaller fluid pockets that were there decided they didn’t like being poked and prodded at! My lower back went out with the cyst and boy that was a fun 6 days! I think I only showered once that entire week! Just moving was a chore in itself. So as I said before it was a tough couple of months.

As I sit here typing I just think about all the suffering in the world. All the pain surrounding us. All the fear being displayed. I think about Matthew 9:20 and the sick woman who had been bleeding for 12 years. She reached out and touched the cloak of Jesus and she was healed in that very moment. Some people think how impossible that sounds to touch a cloak and be healed or somehow be made new? The same thing can happen today, can happen now! You don’t have to live in suffering. You don’t have to live in pain or fear! God still has his hand out for you to reach out and grab. It is by faith you will be saved. It may not be physically or financially that your life changes but you realizes that those things that once meant so much don’t matter at all anymore. The transformation of the heart, the restoration of life, the gift of salvation and eternal bliss is more joy than you could ever encounter. You soon understand that your suffering has a purpose and your pain is purposeful! There is no fear for our Father has this and as long as we are in his hands and he is in our hearts all is well. ALL IS WELL.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. Thank you to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who continue to bless me and saturate me in love. As of right now the only two bills I have that are outstanding only equal just over 1,000$!!! That is after 8 years of being sick!!! He has met my every need… God is so good!  

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

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This is 40!!!

♥️ This is “40” 🖤 A week ago yesterday I turned the big 4-0!!! I have been so incredibly blessed all month long! God has given me the absolute best people in my life and I couldn’t be more thankful! New friends, old friends, best friends and of course my family!!! Over the last decade I have learned so much about myself and about life in general… I’ve learned its all about the relationships you build and the love that you spread! It’s about being selfless and putting others before yourself! It’s always knowing that there are those in need of prayer and that they matter. It’s about helping those in need! It’s about loving your neighbor, loving your enemy, loving the earth!! I used to be so caught up in myself and my needs, my wants, my vanity… I didn’t take the time to look around and SEE people! The reward is in giving not the taking! The reward is in kindness not the bitterness! When our hearts are so consumed with anger, hate, frustration, malice intent we have no room but to worry, complain, pity, gossip… it is when our hearts have that undeniable joy that we can truly be at peace regardless of what is going on around us, regardless of our personal battles (physical, financial, emotional, spiritual) that we can live freely and spread that joy! Spread that love! I am guilty of living the opposite way of life but I can tell you had I not returned my life to Jesus Christ I would not be where I am today! I do not know how people do life without him!!! He gives me purpose, he gives me hope, He is my light in this dark dark world! I am forever grateful for his eternal love and forgiveness. 🙏🏻♥️

 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Psalms 13

♥️ One of the questions I receive daily is the infamous, “how are you?” I think about this question a lot. My typical response is “fine” or “ok.” I think usually because I don’t want to spend the next 30 minutes talking about my health but it goes deeper then that. Just the word, how… I used to voice these questions to God. How is this happening to me or how long will it last for? I think it is even harder for me or the person asking because I do look “fine” or “ok” on the outside! Psalms 13 hits me hard because David doesn’t run from that question, how? He doesn’t act as if his sorrow and despair isn’t there. Instead he lays it all out for God continually asking HOW over and over… crying out to him. But then the coolest thing happens while still in pain and suffering he turns those hows into trusting the Lord. The Lord becomes this light for him during this dark time in his life. His unfailing love transforms his weary heart and he finds rest in him. He knows God is in control and he can praise the situation rather than complain. The intimacy that will grow is so special. I feel like I am reading a chapter of my own book when I read this Psalms. The best part is we can all have this. It is so hard to stay angry, frustrated, upset but when we turn that way or thinking into praise, compliments and joy our hearts literally transform. ♥️

♥️ I am sure you are wondering what you are looking at above!!! Well so was I?!? I began having these red lumps swell up in several different spots which then kind of like popped and oozed (gross yes I know) Apparently I had staples come loose and make their way out to say hello? Why? No clue? Bandages and antibiotics seemed to do the trick but I have some fun new little scars from that joyful event! I swear you can’t make these things up! haha! As for below those are my fun new toys! I am now giving myself at home injections. I am actually really proud of myself because I am doing it alone! Back when I first was sick my dad always had to do them for me but I have now graduated to my own nursing level! My B-12 is continuing to drop so that is what these are for! I am not absorbing it yet again. ♥️

♥️ I was suppose to go in on September 11th for an abdominal MRI and to check the status of my cysts, etc. but we postponed the procedure until November 2nd! We are continuing to build my body up with B-12, iron and just get my strength and energy in general up! My hernia behind my stoma has doubled in size and is causing a lot of issues for me so I’m thinking they are going to want to do everything at once but will have a better idea after the 2nd of Nov. I am ready to just get it over with. At this point I am comfortable with removing the ovaries, tubes and fixing the hernia all in one shot. I have been and am going to continue to be praying that this could be the surgery to fix it all!!! I’d love for you all to pray that prayer with me!!! The only other real thing I am struggling with right now is my hands and them shaking. Some days are better then others but there are days I can barley put a lid on a bottle because my hands shake so badly. It has gotten to the point that those around me have noticed and asked whats wrong with me? I have made an appointment with my neurologist for this but I pray it is something simple and not long lasting or threatening.♥️

 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. Thank you to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who continue to bless me and saturate me in his love. He continues to meet my every need… God is so good!  

For those of you that didn’t get a chance to hear my 2 part podcast with Joni & Friends these are the links below… Or you can find it on the menu bar on my home page!

https://www.joniandfriends.org/thriving-with-invisible-chronic-illness/

https://www.joniandfriends.org/how-vulnerability-builds-community-when-you-are-living-with-invisible-chronic-illness/

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

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Wow, This is my Life!!!

 

💗 To say this week was humbling would be an understatement. I am so grateful for each and every single human being I interact with at Cedars Sinai hospital. The relationships God has allowed me to build there are life changing. Surgery went great. My surgeon was happy with the results. I went home just as planned. I had the drains like I have had many times before (and planned) in my abdomen. 

💗 What was unexpected is several days after recovery I began having complications. My ostomy bag output began coming through my drainage tubes. This has never happened before nor should it! So I was headed back down to Cedars after a call with my doctor. I spent Tuesday undergoing a couple different tests to try and get to the bottom of the issue. The first test they did was inserting an iodine combo into my drainage tube to push through my wound site and see how it distributed through my body. This was to check for fistulas, punctures, leaks, etc. They took X-rays and had me changing positions and rolling around for an hour or so. The next test was a saline enema (pictured below) Correct that is NOT an IV bag.

💗  I had this done once before but had a much different experience this time. So basically they take off my ostomy bag and insert that tubing into my small intestine. They then push all of that liquid into my intestine. I then change positions and roll around for more imagining until complete. Well while they do this they tape a long clear plastic bag around the ostomy site in case of leaking or spilling over. When they remove the tubing my intestine begins to fountain the liquid back out. They have me laying on my side so that it will fall into the clear bag and obviously not make a mess. Well the other thing that comes out of my bag as we all know is my own feces. So I’m laying there exposed on the hospital table looking down at a large clear bag full of my “crap” hanging from my stomach in the most vulnerable position I could possibly be in. I had to stay there in this position for over 30 minutes because my bag would not stop flowing. It was a very humbling moment for me as people walked in and out of the room. I laid there thinking to myself, “wow this my life!” 

(Don’t worry I will spare you the photos of that scene haha)

💗 I had additional tests done on Thursday. These were ones that involved drinking “fun” tasting beverages and lighting your insides up for viewing! After everything was said and done… the drains got to come out! I got to go home! If you all pictured the image of me laying on the table with the long clear bag… Well on the drive home Thursday the fluid I had drank kept coming through my ostomy bag. I emptied my bag 4x before leaving the hospital but ended up soaking wet by the time I arrived home. It exploded! My pants were soaked. My newly dressed wound site had to be redone, a whole new ostomy change, laundry and car cleaned! It was a good welcome home to say the least!!! But Glory be to God we found no leaks. No punctures. No fistulas. So amen to that! We still have no idea what or how this happened though. Now I will just monitor myself at home to make sure I don’t show any signs of infection. The tests did show I have a small portion of dilated intestine, about 5cm. I am not sure how they will handle that yet. Right now I am just going to rest and take one day at a time. We will address the next steps at my check up in 8-12 weeks!

My surgeon is wearing a hat because his wife gave him a bad haircut 😊 

My favorite guy has been with me on every one of these “cyst” procedures!!!

💗 A very dear friend of mine… we met when we were 14 years old and have carried our friendship over 25+ years now! Who knew that being victors and not victims would bring us even closer together!!! 💪🏻 As she has faced her own heath battles. This is the sweetest thing I have ever shared with a friend and I am forever grateful for HER and for her heart. Beautiful women prayed over this shawl for her as they each took part in making a different piece and praying over it before gifting it to her. She wore it every day during her chemo treatments and took it with her to her procedures. She selflessly gifted it to me when her treatments were complete! Little did we know she would need it back again! The two of us have continued to share this shawl full of prayer back and forth with one another covering each other in LOVE and in HOPE.

🙏🏻 God did extraordinary miracles through Paul, so that when the handkerchiefs      or aprons that had touched his skin were brought to the sick, their diseases left them, and the evil spirits came out of them Acts 19:11-12 🙏🏻

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. Thank you to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who continue to bless me and saturate me in love. As of right now the only two bills I have that are outstanding only equal just over 1,000$!!! That is after 8 years of being sick!!! He has met my every need… God is so good! 😊 

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

https://kimskause.wordpress.com/donate/

https://wordpress.com/page/kimskause.wordpress.com/

https://www.instagram.com/gorgeouscaos/

HOPE

💗 I know it has been awhile since we last spoke… a lot has been going on in the world since then. I pray that each and everyone of  you is well. I have been praying for all of us as a whole and for our country. Hope is contagious and it is ALIVE…

💗  Just a little update on me: I had gone in a few weeks ago for an abdominal MRI and then was scheduled to address my bladder… (if you guys remember from my last blog it had prolapsed again) After examining the results they found that I have yet another cystic mass but this time it is so large it is taking up my entire abdominal cavity pushing out on the abdominal wall and actually the cause pushing the bladder out. So until the mass is addressed the bladder can’t be. It then showed that I have another cyst wrapped around my left ovary mixed with some sort of tissue. That one is like a golf ball in size. The problem with this one is as of now it is only accessible through the back side of me and it is to dangerous because of where it is located near the sciatic nerve. So we are going for the large cystic mass first this Thursday! I check in at 6:30am for surgery on the 2nd of July! I went down and had my Covid testing today… so that I am approved for surgery! I either got a really gentle nurse or it isn’t really that bad! 😊

Once again Cedars running everything smooth and safe! Covid line/testing lot!

💗  I then had a discussion with both my radiologist surgeon and my OB about the reoccurring cyst activity. They are coming back more bigger and more aggressively which can potentially lead to other things like ovarian cancer, blood poisoning, etc. I knew this all before hand but we are now on the 8th time of repairing these things! So I am once again faced with the decision of removing my ovaries/ fallopian tubes. My OB and my radiologist are a little at odds about this. My radiologist is pretty sure my ovaries/ tubes that were left is the cause of all the fluid and activity in my abdomen. My OB believes it very well could be but says there is no guarantee. He is definitely on the more cautious side when it comes to these things! I greatly appreciate and value both of their opinions. I understand why they kept my ovaries/tubes prior. I know removing them is a major surgery and I also know being forced into menopause is a lot more difficult then it happening naturally. I think for me if there is any possibility this could end things in this area of my health I am willing to risk it!  I turn 40 in September this year and am thinking maybe this is my year of health?!?  Maybe after these next two surgeries I could make a complete come back! 

  being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. -Philippians 1:6

 hope
/hōp/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: hope; plural noun: hopes
1.
a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
“he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information”
 
Similar:
aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, plan, dream, daydream, pipe dream, longing, yearning, craving, hankering, a person or thing that may help or save someone.
“their only hope is surgery”
 
Similar:
optimism, grounds for hope, promise, light at the end of the tunnel 
 
Opposite:
pessimism 
grounds for believing that something good may happen.
“he does see some hope for the future”
 
Similar:
hopefulness, optimism, expectation, expectancy, confidence, faith, trust, belief, conviction, assurance 
2.
ARCHAIC
a feeling of trust.

💗 HOPE is the foundation of how I have lived my life the last 8 years! Not the “hope” that I may get better, not the “hope” that I will get married or have material things… but the HOPE that I have in Jesus Christ. These words listed above to describe HOPE are incredible. Desire, Conviction, Promise, Faith, Trust, Confidence. People ask me constantly how I stay so positive after such a lengthy of time being so sick… the answer is HOPE! Jesus bore the weight of the world for me so that I may have to have eternal life. An eternal life.

“When God satisfies us so deeply that we’re free to love other people then he becomes more manifest. And that’s what we want above all. Hope is when God has promised that something is going to happen and you put your trust in that promise. Christian hope is a confidence that something will come to pass because God has promised it will come to pass.” -John Piper 💗

 

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. As far as my goal for my surgeons office It has been PAID off!!! My surgeons office is absolutely incredible… what was just suppose to be a six month period of time to raise the smaller amount of money has been just about a year now! Over 30,000$ taken off my bill if I was able to pay the smaller amount by the deadline they so graciously kept extending to me. My total bill was just under 50,000$ and I was asked to pay just 15,000$ of that to have a clean slate with them. After sending out my last blog that goal has been met! Thank you to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who continue to bless me and saturate me in love. As of right now the only two bills I have that are outstanding only equal about 1,000$!!! That is after 8 years of being sick!!! He has met my every need… God is so good! 😊 

🎶 I put my faith in Jesus
My anchor to the ground
My hope and firm foundation
He’ll never let me down 🎶

💗 I will keep you updated as I recover this week and what the next step will be! I do know there will be at least one more surgery ahead what that looks like will be the question? I will tell you that I have some pretty exciting news but I am going to save it for my next blog!!! I am over the moon about it! I am telling you God is good.

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

https://kimskause.wordpress.com/donate/

https://wordpress.com/page/kimskause.wordpress.com/

https://www.instagram.com/gorgeouscaos/

Dry Bones Awaken…

Jesus you are welcome here… Good Friday.

 

💗 Good Friday started off great! We had a wonderful church service from home, dinner and even played a few rounds of Yahtzee! Our new family fun quarantine tradition! As the night came to a close I began to get sharp pains that did not want to subside. I did not sleep at all that night as the pain became worse and I could not find a solution to control it. Saturday morning rolled around I was able to sneak a few hours of sleep in out of pure exhaustion and soak in a small amount of epsom salt water. Later that afternoon I had a low grade fever starting around 99.4. I took Tylenol and tried to get comfortable but the pain just intensified. My temperature rose to 102.1. My parents wanted me to call my doctors but I knew regardless of which one I chose to call it was the weekend and a holiday weekend at that! If you tell a doctor you have excruciating pain and a high fever they are going to tell you to go to the ER!!! There was no way I was going to do that. I can’t take pain medicine and I wasn’t going to wait hours on hours for a ER doctor to not know what to do with me sitting in a room with a bunch of  people who are sick. So I chose to push through and wait till Monday. Well Saturday evening came and I hit the floor, hard. Sure enough a cyst burst. The pressure was enormous but I knew this pain from previous battles and knew it would pass. My parents helped me back into my bed. My fever broke. I thought things would start to look up… but they ended up getting much worse. I began screaming as it felt like shards of glass were coming through my stoma (small intestine) It was so so painful. I had no idea what was happening?!? I spent most of Sunday (Easter) asleep. Which was very much needed but when I awoke I was in the same shape. The pain had intensified even. I now couldn’t even sit. The amount of pain from tailbone region was insane. It was like when I had my rectum removed. My food would not pass through any longer. I was a wreck. I tried everything from heating pads, ice packs, lidocaine patches, a tense unit, hot baths, tylenol, knocking myself out with xanax… I mean anything in my home I had I tried or did. So after another sleepless night I waited patiently till my surgeons office opened Monday morning and called. He got me in right away and down to Cedars I went.

💗 It turns out I have a pretty bad intestinal infection. He did a scope on me while in his office and I was very inflamed. I am currently back at home on antibiotics. If the pain does not subside by the end of my antibiotic round I will most likely be admitted for further testing to get to the bottom of things. So far the pain has not changed. I still have not eaten much of anything. I spent last night in an empty tub with my “red robin” It is my intestine unblocker! It is about 18′ inches long and I remove my ostomy bag and stick it into my stoma as far as it will go till I hit the blockage to make my output start flowing but the thing is…. it goes all the way in every time NO blockage but still NO output! My skin is raw from my bag changes and my stomach is so swollen. So I am sticking to liquids for the most part right now because food just hurts too much. Then if things weren’t crazy enough late Wednesday night my bladder prolapsed again for a fourth time. 

Red Robin, Scope at Surgeons Office, Temperature

💗 If there was ever a perfect song for this time! “The Lord is in this place” this verse sings to my heart over and over… I’m not enough unless YOU come! Dry Bones Awaken…

💗 I couldn’t help but think all weekend about Jesus while going through my pain. Here it is Easter weekend… the weekend Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for You and I. He bore the weight of the world so that you and I may never know what pain like that feels like… He was mocked and laughed at as he hung from the cross bleeding to his death. I don’t have a clue what suffering even is. The pain I am feeling is so temporary so minuscule to what he went through. My strength, my backbone comes from the Lord. I think about him and what he endured and it gives me the push I need. I think of him and his courage and his bravery. I think of him and his selfless heart and his incomparable and unconditional love he carries for you and I… this is our time. This is our time to be the church! There are so many beautiful structures for us to gather in to worship but WE are the church! The people who love and serve our Father… What better time then NOW during the chaos and fear of our world to shine a ray of HOPE! To show his strength, his selfless heart and his unconditional love to others… It is one thing to listen to a sermon but to live it is a whole different story! Lets love our neighbors during these times. Lets love on strangers. Lets call our families, our friends, our acquaintances who may be alone and TALK to them and do it regularly. Lets care for others. Lets send cards, care packages, letters, and video calls… those that are able lets help with errands, chores, etc… Lets love one another! Dry Bones Awaken it is time for Jesus to be in this place!!! Lets live and breath LOVE!!! Lets live out the Gospel…

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor,serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. -Romans 12: 10-13

💗 There will always be uncertainty in the world but the constant is God and when you have that foundation there is no fear. My prayer is that those with fear in their hearts would be comforted during this time. Those with pain would be consumed with the Holy Spirit. Those who haven’t experienced the presence of God would welcome that joy into their lives… That we as a whole would LOVE and LOVE whole heartily. I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I am so blessed to have this time to connect with you. I am so encouraged to have this recharge of life with God. This time to be in the word and to really focus on what matters… I pray that everyone continues to stay healthy!

 

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. As far as my goal for my surgeons office It has been PAID off!!! My surgeons office is absolutely incredible… what was just suppose to be a six month period of time to raise the smaller amount of money has been just about a year now! Over 30,000$ taken off my bill if I was able to pay the smaller amount by the deadline they so graciously kept extending to me. My total bill was just under 50,000$ and I was asked to pay just 15,000$ of that to have a clean slate with them. After sending out this blog just a few days ago this goal has been met! Thank you to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who continue to bless me and saturate me in love. God is so good! 😊

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

https://kimskause.wordpress.com/donate/

https://wordpress.com/page/kimskause.wordpress.com/

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Goodbye Sweet Girl…

💗 This will be the hardest blog I have ever had to write… because once I write it I will have to face the fact that she is never coming back. My sweet girl went to be with Jesus Sunday evening. This is an entirely different type of pain than I am used to. My heart hurts like something I’ve never experienced before. She is the one who I would normally go to for comfort if I was hurting like this. The one who cuddles with me at night. The one who lays with me endlessly during my recoveries. She is the one who literally would lick my tears from my face when I cried. Most people have a spouse, or significant other, children, etc… They have that “special person” in their life. Jersie Mae was that special person for me. The one that was always there. We lived in 3 states together, 8 different apartments/homes, took numerous road trips together… She was with me through my break ups, my different jobs… She was with me when I got sick. The friend that NEVER left my side no matter how scary things got. She always made me smile, gave me something to look forward to coming home too. The bond I shared with JersieMae will never be replaced. She has been my absolute world for the last 13 years. She was not my just my dog. She was and always will be my best friend.

💗 At the same time my sweet girl went to see Jesus so did my parents sweet boy Tucker. He was 16 years old bless his little heart. Ever since I moved back in with my parents (almost 6 years ago now) these two have been roomies. Not always getting along as my little stinker was very territorial. But Tucker was the most loving boy you’d ever meet. In the ending days they cuddled daily with me just like when I first moved in. As all three of us were cozy in my bed the morning before they passed I was lucky enough to sneak this picture of the two of them holding hands. 

💗 My sweet girls back legs were paralyzed for the most part. Day by day they were getting worse. I was using a doggy stroller to get her around and taking her potty was getting harder and harder because she had lost all feeling. Accidents were becoming more frequent and by frequent I mean daily. The tumor in her mouth had become painful enough where toward the last days it hurt her to even bark and she had stopped eating. For those that knew my baby girl refusing food is unheard of. So I knew it was time. I asked God over and over to give me the peace that I was doing the right thing… that morning I woke up to Jersie throwing up and going potty all over my bed. Even though it may not of been the kind of sign I wanted I knew my baby needed to be with Jesus. As for our sweet Tucker, being 16 he has had health issues for awhile now. Just the week before he suffered a massive stroke where we thought we actually had lost him. He couldn’t see or hear us and he just laid still for an hour or two. He did recover from that but not fully. He had become very afraid. He didn’t want to be left alone even for a minute, he couldn’t settle, always pacing… Plus his entire mouth was infected and he needed surgery. The chances of him making it through a surgery after that were slim. So we made the decision to let them go together side by side. 

💗 An amazing group called Lap of Love came to our home, the doctor loved on our pups as we held them. We had praise music playing the entire time and she gave them each one shot to ease them and their pain. We held our babies and said our goodbyes while they slept and she gave them their final injection. We wrapped them in blankets and carried them to the car that was waiting downstairs. It was a very peaceful process. Lap of Love was incredible every step of the way.

💗 Our house is quite empty now. There are no tippy toes on our hard wood floors. There is no more snoring. No one is barking when the door bell rings. I no longer have to be careful to get up in the middle of the night because I have no one to wake or trip over… It is a very lonely feeling. But I know our babies are with Jesus and that gives me peace and comfort. I know that their pain and their suffering has ended and that gives me joy. After all isn’t that what we all want for our loved ones? Parents always say if I could take your pain I would or if I could trade places with you I would in a heart beat. I am hurting. I am hurting badly. My heart is shattered right now but I would never want my monkey to feel that. I would never want to trade places with her and leave this world and have her feel what I am right now. I am happy to go through the hurt so that my babies are with Jesus and their pain has ended. Finding the joy in something even as devastating as this gives me hope. I am confident with time God will help heal my heart and comfort me through the pain.

🎶 Light up this broken heart and light my way
‘Til my time on earth is done
Oh, Holy Spirit
Breathe in me like Kingdom come

Oh, Holy Spirit
Let Your work in me be done 🎶

💗 I know this has been an extra long blog this time around but I do want to give just a quick update on my health. So as you know I went in for my 16th surgery in January. Shortly after I went in to see my colorectal surgeon aka “the GENIUS” (pictured below) Thats the surgeon who has done all my major ordeals! I finally made him pose for me. I had to go under yet again for what is known as a pouchoscopy… they basically put me under anesthesia and go inside and look at my internal pouch made from my small intestine. What they discovered is I have an infection called pouchitis. This is fairly common for people with a J Pouch but I do not have a connected J pouch any longer. So it isn’t as common. My hernia is also quite large behind my small intestine. There are other issues I will spare the details but the options I have are basically to have the internal pouch removed permanently or to live with the issues I am dealing with. I go back March 13th for an MRI of the abdomen and further testing to see the status of the cyst progression and hernia. I will keep you all updated on further issues. For now I will deal with things as I am in no state to be making major decisions.

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. As far as my goal for my surgeons office I am still a little ways a way but I am faithful. Due to this last procedure I had it will add a bit on to the overall total since he was the acting surgeon. My surgeons office is absolutely incredible though… what was just suppose to be a six month period of time to raise the money has been just about a year now! Over 30,000$ taken off my bill if I am able to pay the smaller amount by the deadline they so graciously keep extending to me. Some people have asked specific amounts… My total bill is just under 50,000$ I am asked to pay 15,000$ of that to have a clean slate with them. I will say that I am at least HALFWAY there thanks to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. God is so good! 😊

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

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You Keep On Getting Better

💗 After driving past the Beverly Hills Hotel for the 4th time in the same week I had to finally take a picture of the wall that surrounds the outside perimeter. Every time I saw it last week it brought me such joy. It means I am almost to Cedars, it means I am leaving Cedars and on my way home… Plus it is just beautiful and such an expression of love and joy for the New Year ahead! Not to mention “Happy” is written in my favorite font!!! 😊 So Happy 2020 Friends and Family! Thank you for continuing to support me in my daily battle in life and your unconditional love during the journey.

💗 For those of you that don’t follow me on social media you will remember in my last blog surgery was scheduled for January 10th! Well that is me above in my hospital bed in the PACU all checked in, scrubbed down, hooked up and ready to wheeled in for surgery on January 10th! The amazing thing about Cedars and I would assume most hospitals is before they can legally put you under anesthesia you must talk with your performing surgeon first. That way you are coherent to understand your procedure and ask any questions you might have. Being the 5th time for this same procedure I am only working with one radiologist on this case. He is the only surgeon that is operating on me so you can imagine the shock when they named a different surgeon on their way into see me! As we sorted out the mistake and that it was with scheduling and most likely with a sub during the holiday it was was decided that I would get dressed and head back home.

💗 Cedars was incredibly gracious handling the situation. They would not stop apologizing. As it was a little discouraging being prepared mentally, for me it honestly was not that big of a deal. We are all human and mistakes are made. I know they felt just awful and there was no need to increase that from my end. Plus they were able to get me in the very next day my surgeon worked and as the second case that day. So I ended up going back just six short days later.

🙏 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:16-18 🙏

💗 So this is me above on the 16th of January waiting to be wheeled back! My sweet Dad yet again waiting by my side just as he did on the 10th! This time everything on schedule, as well as, the right crew on staff! My selfless Mom has been at our home with my precious pup Jersie Mae who has lost use of her back legs over the course of the last few weeks. She has really been struggling and it is very hard for me to be away from her. So my Mom stayed with her to give me a piece of mind that she is being well taken care of while I am gone. She continues to help me with her during my recovery (which hasn’t been easy) Thank you Mom!

💗 Surgery initially started out as “Let’s tackle both sides” really get in there and do what we can to eliminate you having to come back again next week by doing one side at a time. I was all for it. I was prepared to wake up with the drains like always. I was prepared to be staying in the hospital like discussed. I was prepared for pain and discomfort. Anything to get it over with in the least amount of surgeries possible!

💗 So I was wheeled back and just kind of sat there while they set everything up. Usually I am put out pretty quickly and don’t really witness the “behind the scenes” stuff! My anesthesiologist was kinda of “old skool.” It took him a loooonnnggg time to get his things ready and his computer information put in, etc. I at one point whispered to one of the nurses I know, “am I going to be okay?” All I could think was I am never going to wake up with this guy! Well man was I wrong. He asked me a question about my dog and BOOM I was out. When I wake up I am usually always in recovery. I never see the surgical team again till my next visit but there I was still in the same room? I could here all of their voices and I said, “Am I allowed to open my eyes?” They were like, “Yeah of course hun, wake up!” I was flying!!! I could not of been happier. I was asking everyone to join my dog pound? Asking for knuckles (the cooler high five I do with my nephew) Talking about Indian desserts. I mean I would not Shut up! As I got into recovery I was already asking to get dressed and leave. I asked the anesthesiologist for his “digits” so I could call him in the future for upcoming procedures! lol It was truly amazing.

💗 I was in NO pain. I had NO drains. I couldn’t even see bandages or incisions? As I laid there waiting for my surgeon I was just in awe that I was so happy and pain free. When my doctor did come in he explained the majority of my cystic masses were on my right side which is also my ostomy bag side. So they were unable to go through my abdomen for this reason. So they ended up turning me over and making an incision through my right bum cheek! When I say they went through my “rear” people assume they went through my anus/ rectum… but you have to remember I have no rectum or colon and that is where my internal pouch is located so that would be impossible! He was happy with what was accomplished but also a bit concerned because of the location of one near my internal pouch. Even though it is no longer connected it is still built and inside me. If he got too close he could knick it or worse. So he said as soon as he saw that he pulled out of there. As for the right side the large one is the one that burst a few weeks prior to surgery so he didn’t have to drain that one but only burn the lining which was fairly simple. He is however very happy with the progress these procedures continue to make. There was less fluid in these masses then the last 5 times. Plus it took much longer for them to come back this time! So that is excellent news!!! I got to leave a short time after and head home!

💗 The first few days at home were fantastic. I slept a lot but I was up and walking around. Really I had little to no pain at all. I only took tylenol two days total I think. Well Monday hit and out of nowhere I started getting these sharp and intense pains near my tail bone and bladder. Unfortunately they have yet to leave. They are sporadic not constant! When they come they are strong! They can knock me down. These have made me back track quite a bit in recovery as now my thighs hurt and sitting on my incision, etc. Showering has been insane as I can’t sit in a tub and I can’t shower because facing forward I have my ostomy to deal with and facing backward I have my incision that can’t be wet on my bum! I have done this twice now and it is a very long and exhausting process! So I am praying that this heals quickly and my normal routine can kick back into gear.

💗 We also got my biopsy results back which showed that I tested positive for something unknown at this time. We are praying it is an infection or an internal bacteria of some sort, not that we want that, but it is definitely better than what the alternatives would be. I am not showing signs of fever and my wound itself looks great. So those are positives! I went back for a full blood work up on Tuesday and my numbers looked better then they did Thursday so thats positive. Unfortunately I have to go back under anesthesia next week to have a pouchoscopy done. They want to make sure there was no damage done to my pouch during the procedure. They also want to check the status of the mass resting against my pouch, the hernia behind my stoma and anything else that may be lurking inside! So I would kindly ask for prayers with this situation. I pray antibiotics can heal whatever is hanging out in there and no further treatment will be needed.

Minutes 2:50- Minutes 5:00 absolutely wreck my world…

🎶 Clean my hands, purify my heart
I wanna burn for you, only for You
Take my life as a sacrifice
I wanna burn for you, only for You 🎶

💗 I was so excited to write this blog to share my new love for Maverick City Music’s New Album Volume 2. I posted Refiner because I think Chandler Moore is truly a gift. This song is so incredibly beautiful and full of the Holy Spirit but honestly this album has been on repeat for weeks in my home. I can get so lost in these lyrics. It has such a personal relationship with the Lord. The Lyrics in Communion sit so close to my heart I found myself sobbing to them-

“You are closer, closer than my skin (Yes, You are) -And You are in the air I’m breathing in -And here’s where the dead things come back to living -I feel my heart beating again -Feels so good to know You are my friend”

Yet, Most Beautiful/ So in Love is probably my favorite on the album. You Keep on Getting Better is a close second. Gods presence during the creation of this album is everywhere. To see a group of God fearing individuals brought together for the purpose of worshiping and praising his name is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing your gifts for his purpose. It has encouraged me, inspired me and allowed me to connect with our Father on a deeper and more intimate level. I appreciate you all.

💗 I am not worried about the outcome of my results next week. I know that God is in control and I trust him completely. Regardless of the outcome I know I am safe because I know I have him. I have been reading a lot on anxiety lately and where it stems from. The enemy is strong. God does not send confusion nor does he want our heads to be filled with such things. Our own minds tend to travel when we aren’t focused on the Lord. When we try to concentrate on our own wants and needs. Our own fixes and issues that surround us. Thats when the enemy like to swoop in and grab us! I am learning that drawing near to God during these times is the best medicine. That allowing him to have my thoughts instead of allowing my brain to run wild is the best cure. It is the same thing with worry and with fear. I remember I use to have the same reoccurring dream, it was terrifying. I was told to ask God to draw near during that dream. Just implant that into my head saying it over and over so it would just come to me during my sleep. Well next time that dream snuck in I did it… I asked God to draw near to me, I must have said it 100x! I woke up that night and sure enough that dream never came back! He listens, He cares… He is just an arms length away! Draw near God, Draw near to each and every person that needs you today Lord!

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. As far as my goal for my surgeons office I am still a little ways a way but I am faithful. My surgeons office is absolutely incredible… what was just suppose to be a six month period of time to raise the money has been just about a year now! Over 30,000$ taken off my bill if I am able to pay the smaller amount by the deadline they so graciously keep extending to me. I will say that I am at least HALFWAY there thanks to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. God is so good! 😊

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com

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HOPE

💗 Thanksgiving week came and went and so did my surgery date. Thank you to each and every one of you who checked in with me to see how “surgery” went! I apologize whole heartily for not updating my blog sooner. It has been a whirlwind of emotions the last few weeks. I went for another ultrasound the week prior to Thanksgiving and they saw an “unidentifiable” mass toward the back of my pelvis. This held things up a bit because my radiologist wanted better images and further testing prior to going in. My cyst surgeries are always done with a catheter through my abdomen. Now depending on this new mass found, the question surrounding it was if they would need to remove it entirely? This would require a much more invasive surgery and two plus surgeons. My radiologist would do the aspiration/ chemical oblation of the cyst/ cyst lining but I would need my OBGYN or a similar type surgeon to remove the mass and send it off for biopsy because of where it is positioned. So that then raises the question of do they cut me open? Or can they go in laparoscopically? 

💗 Needless to say I had the further testing done along with all of the testing that was originally scheduled for the vision issues I have been having. So I basically was at Cedars for the last two weeks for one thing or another. I made it through the dreaded MRI and back to back MRAs. For those that don’t know what an MRA is- it is basically the same thing as the MRI but they place a whole head piece on you (it kind or resembles the front of a football helmet or head gear you wore as a kid) The MRA studies the blood vessels where the MRI focuses more on the tissue. 

💗 As days progressed I patiently waited on results from testing and on my new surgery date. I had a routine appointment with my Internal Medicine doctor during this duration. This doctor is my safe place. She has been with me since the very start. She has fought for me every step of the way. When I see her my emotions tend to come out as she is one person I am able to be vulnerable with. She has always allowed me to just be me without judgement. I am so thankful for her. After some in depth blood work with her we found I was deficient and lacking in some areas… no surprise there. I tend to know when my body is off! We are working together to get those things back on track! The good news is my iron levels are fantastic so as surgery approaches this is wonderful news!

💗 Then on Wednesday around 4pm I got a phone call saying surgery would be scheduled for that Friday morning!?! Um… but I was suppose to have pre ops done in a days time? Not just pre ops but a full work up? I asked if my surgeons were insistent on this or if I was able to take a different date. Luckily they allowed me to take the next date but it was Christmas Eve. Now don’t get me wrong, I am totally fine with spending holidays in the hospital. I have spent many many holidays there. I understand my health is most important plus the amazing nurses and staff that selflessly spend their own holidays there as well… you couldn’t ask for anyone or anything better! But my parents will be leaving on vacation for a week Jan 1st. I won’t be able to lift or walk my dog for 3-4 weeks after surgery therefore, it made much more sense to have the surgery once they returned. So surgery will be at 7am on Jan. 10th. Pre ops are scheduled for New Years Eve. My surgeons are fine with this as long as I don’t start to feel more uncomfortable or feel anything unusual between now and then!

💗 As for the vision stuff… they have scheduled me for more testing toward the end of January with a Neuro-Ophthalmologist. I see my normal Neurologist for the results of the MRI/MRAs later in the month. But I am thankful there was nothing “urgent” to be seen about since my original testing! That is definitely something to praise Jesus about.

💗  The other thing I will fill you all in on is my psoriasis. Stress tends to be a trigger for me. Regardless of what I do to mediate this it tends to find ways of coming out on it’s own. My scalp takes the brunt of my psoriasis on the regular but lately it has shown its face “on my face!” Luckily I have bangs so I am able to hide the majority of this but it doesn’t mean I am not uncomfortable. 

💗 I thought this was a good visual of the way I have been feeling lately. My body is riddled with disease. It is always there. I fight it daily. But you rarely see it. But I see it. I see it every time I look into the mirror. To everyone else there isn’t really a difference but if you only knew the things I feel and experience… I think a lot of times I try to act as if everything is ok. Kind of like my outer appearance. My skin is normally clear, my clothes cover my scars, my ostomy is hidden and my emotional wounds, well those are so far down it would take A LOT to get me to bring even one to the surface. So when I see one of my diseases so clearly covering a large portion of my face it’s a surreal moment for me. I can’t hide what I am feeling it literally is written all over my face.

💗 When I first got sick everything was new, each day was different. I never knew what to expect. There was always this sense of “excitement” if that makes sense? Not excitement like, “I can’t wait to see what happens next!” But an excitement of “Hope!” I was always praying today would be the day I would be healed or tomorrow would be the day I returned to work! I was always making plans or setting goals for myself. There was always a future ahead for me. But those days turned into weeks and the weeks into months and months into years! I can’t tell you how many plans I had to cancel or things I have had to miss. Life got to be very challenging. It wasn’t until I realized that the hope I was putting into “things” and my own wants and needs needed to be put into JESUS! Even now when I read this paragraph back… I wanted to be healed, I wanted to return to work, my goals…etc. Life isn’t about my wants and needs! The sooner I began to look at things through Gods eyes the sooner things made sense to me. There is more HOPE and more JOY then I would have ever been able to imagine now with Jesus. Life still may be challenging but I am able to enjoy each day as it comes without worrying about the future because I know He is in control.

🎶 You will come through
You always do
I trust Your name for greater things You cleared a way in the wilderness
You brought me back from my brokenness
You took my shame and You buried it
What You’ve done
I won’t forget You never fail
You never will
I trust Your name for greater things 🎶

 

UPDATE-

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. As far as my goal for my surgeons office I am still a little ways a way but I am faithful. My surgeons office is absolutely incredible… what was just suppose to be a six month period of time to raise the money has been just about a year now! Over 30,000$ taken off my bill if I am able to pay the smaller amount by the deadline they so graciously keep extending to me. I will say that I am at least HALFWAY there thanks to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. God is so good! 😊

All for HIM Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com 

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Extravagant

 💗  It was late in the evening and The Goldbergs were on the TV. I was laughing out loud as I often do with their family but the laughs got smaller by the second as my mind became more and more confused. Was there something in my eyes? Why was my vision so blurred? Why did my head hurt so bad? With my next blink my vision was gone. There was nothing around me but a black desolate space. My body was dripping sweat, my hands were clammy, my head hot and the panic had far surpassed any version of reality at this point. For those of you that don’t know we live in a tri level home. I am on the bottom floor while my parents are on the the top tier. If I were to scream at my absolute loudest I think my neighbors would hear me before they would. Not being able to see I had no idea even if I found my phone how to find and get into my password/ dial/ etc. but then it dawned on me I had “Alexa,” so I yelled out “Alexa call parents!” My Mom soon answered from upstairs and both her and my Dad came running down.

  💗 When I first got sick almost 7 years ago this happened to me for a period of time. I would go in and out of losing my vision. I also was having seizures back then and was on numerous medications including biological drugs. The doctors at the time chalked it up to meds. I lost my drivers license and it was one of the main reasons I was unable to live on my own. Sometimes it would be gone for 20 minutes and sometimes it would be gone for hours at a time. It eventually went away on it’s own so we believed it was the medication because after my major surgeries I was able to get off all the major drugs that were causing my body such harm. I haven’t had any issues at all with my vision until last month. I began having episodes where it was hard for me to look at the TV or the computer. I would get insanely bad migraines. I also have not been able to concentrate on normal things like writing or reading hence why you all didn’t get a blog for October! I have forgotten the most simplest of words and been incredibly sensitive to both light and dark. It isn’t one more then the other but more the change in it itself. There have been days upon days that I have laid buried in my pillow because the pain has been too much for me to bare. 

🙏 Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
    when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
    the Lord will be a light to me. -Micah 7:8 🙏

 💗  I have an appointment with my neurologist down at Cedars on the 18th. It was quite an ordeal to get me back in and established with the neurology department in such a timely manner. They were booked through the New Year and since I am not a regular patient at their clinic any longer it took quite the work to get me back into the rotation. We are truly blessed though and have wonderful friends who I like to call family at Cedars who helped make it happen! So we will see what’s going on and hopefully get some answers! 😊

💗 Unfortunately I have missed out on a lot of things recently. I have stayed in my room more days than not. I have only made it to church two weeks out of five the last couple months and that is a tough one for me. This last week I was all showered and ready to go and my nose began to bleed… it continued to bleed for 45 minutes!!! What in the world? I was so light headed and my Mom was out of town and my Dad had left already so I climbed back into bed and once again followed along with a sermon from bed. Following this Sunday I was then knocked to floor and doubled over in pain only to later find out I had yet another cyst burst! What a surprise right? I hate to blame myself but I think sometimes I try to see how far I can draw things out without having to get checked again. Only to put off the inevitable. Well my abdomen if full of cysts again and surgery is being scheduled for what looks like the week before Thanksgiving! I should have an exact date by Monday (we are waiting on my surgeon to get back to us) So it appears I will be recovering through the holidays! 

  💗 As I sit here in my bed writing tonight this song by Steffany Gretzinger is playing… 

🎶 It’s extravagant, it doesn’t make sense We’ll never comprehend, the way You love us It’s unthinkable, only heaven knows Just how far You’d go, to say You love us…  You don’t belittle our pain and our suffering And You comfort us in our greatest unraveling… Here is all my love It’s Yours, no conditions When You pull me close No, I won’t resist it… -Extravagant 🎶 

  💗 These words hit so close to home for me. We as humans can’t even comprehend the word pain. Sure in our own form of course but when Jesus hung on that cross he bore the weight OF THE WORLD. We don’t even have the capacity to understand the things he felt, the suffering he endured, the PAIN that he sacrificed so that you and I would never have to. What you and I feel as pain today isn’t even a fraction of what it could have been if Jesus hadn’t died on the cross for us. Yet he still never belittles our own pain and suffering today. To look at that picture, the God of the universe who took on the weight of the worlds sin, felt every type of pain imaginable is sitting up there listening to each and every one of us every single time we cry, every time we stub our toe, every time we are hurting mentally, emotionally or physically and he doesn’t get upset. He doesn’t get annoyed. He doesn’t choose to ridicule or mock us but instead he chooses to comfort us. He chooses to love us. He chooses to wrap his arms around us day after day after day. His love is truly extravagant and it doesn’t make sense but it is undeniably the most amazing gift there is. So as I fight through the obstacles in front of me today I can do them knowing I have the most loving Father comforting me, loving me and wrapping his arms around me tighter then the day before. That is pretty incredible.

🎶 It’s Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It’s Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only

you give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord 🎶

 

UPDATE-

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. I did run into some unexpected financial issues a few months back that have hit harder than we had hoped but God is good and I know with his help I will bounce back as I always do! As far as my goal for my surgeons office I am still a little ways a way but I am faithful. I will say that I am HALFWAY there thanks to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. 😊

All for YOU Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com 

https://www.instagram.com/gorgeouscaos/   

https://twitter.com/kimmiekoett

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Firm Foundation

Anxiety weighs down the heart,
    but a kind word cheers it up. -Proverbs 12:25

For those that know me I have always been a creature of habit. I like my routines, my lists, my schedules, being on time… it has always been hard for me to be a “go with the flow type person.” So when I got sick it was a very big adjustment for me to not know what the future held for me let alone the next day or even hour. This created a big barrier for me and my comfort zone. I found myself staying in more and more and when I did venture out it was still close to home or to and from my hospital, etc. I developed a sense of safety to my home, being close to my parents, my doctors and even to my dog. Without even realizing how much time has gone by it had been YEARS since I had been out of my surroundings. Even those years ago when I was away my Dad was still with me. This was a hard one for me to swallow.

My 39th birthday is just two weeks away… I never could of imagined this would be where I was at in my life. I was the 17 year old girl who got on a plane for the first time and moved to Germany just a week after graduating high school. I lived alone the majority of my life! I didn’t have any fears! Now my mind works in such a different way. Analyzing every move I make, weighing out the pros and the cons, the risks involved for my health and my comfort. Realizing this is how I may always process things, I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone this last month. I left not just the city but the state! I was gone for a good amount of time and alone for the majority of it. For some this may sound so silly but for me this was a huge accomplishment. A small victory but a victory none the less.

Anxiety is real. It is probably the hardest thing I have dealt with in this process. It is something I continue to fight against daily. Luckily I have the King of Kings on my side and He never lets me get too buried. Not to say I haven’t gotten close… When you continue to have difficult trials in life time after time there is almost this subconscious voice waiting for the next thing to hit! It is a constant battle to keep your mind at ease and have the courage to step out and do things with the reassurance that nothing is going to happen while you are just trying to live your life. I have slowly learned over time regardless of what occurs that trusting God is the only way to live life. The closer my relationship becomes with Him the more I am able to handle my anxiety. He really is the peacemaker in ALL things. 

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.                              -2 Corinthians 12:10 

As for my general health… My bladder unfortunately has prolapsed yet again. I am waiting to see my doctor as she has been out of town but should be talking with her this coming week. I am not too sure what this means if not being surgery as my only option once again?This will make it 3x that my bladder has prolapsed now. The first time they fixed it with a sling. The second time was when I had my hysterectomy, they corrected it then and used a piece of bio mesh I believe. I also had a female “lift” at that time to make everything sit tighter so it wouldn’t fall again! ha! I am doing okay for the most part with the prolapse other than lower back pain. While out of town my back went out for a couple days and that was really hard being by myself… but I DID IT!!! Since then it hasn’t gone out but it has been sore. As for my bladder it just feels like I am sitting on a golf ball 24/7! So thats fun!

That aside my iron was low after my last surgery. Then went up and down again. The issue isn’t my iron itself but the saturation of iron. So we are trying to get ahold of this and to the bottom of that as well. Then I still have this pesky hernia behind my stoma site since about a year ago. My surgeon didn’t want to go back in and cut me open unless he absolutely had to! Which I totally agree and appreciated. The hernia is getting bigger and more ornery by the day! I can physically see it at this point anytime after eating. I will spare you any more details of how I know but it seems I will have to be making a visit to my normal surgeon sooner than later! I think the inevitable is coming between the ovaries (cyst issue- see previous blogs) hernia and now bladder. Per usual I am holding off as long as possible. The last thing I want is to lose any more organs or to have another major surgery with knives involved. So for now I will wait until I can’t tolerate the pain any longer.

“And I will build my life upon your love it is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in you alone
And I will not be shaken

Holy there is no one like you
There is none beside you
Open up my eyes in wonder
And show me who you are and fill me
With your heart and lead me
In your love to those around me”

It doesn’t matter how many times I hear this song I still get choked up. While away last month I attended a church for 4 weeks. The worship service there was fantastic. I was having a particular hard Sunday as my back had been out the night before. I knew I needed to be there that morning. They were working through the last chapters of Acts and the take away message had been finding the joy even while going through the toughest of times. I had spent the entire night before praying through the pain. When morning came I didn’t think I was going to make it but I decided God didn’t care if I was showered or what I looked like… I cleaned up the best that I could and drove myself down to second service. When the worship band began to play this song started and the tears just began to fall from face. The words to this song I feel are my words… “There is no one like you! There is none beside you!” When I think about that it gives me so much peace. There is nothing He can’t do, nothing He can’t fix, nothing He can’t heal. The enemy will continue to mess with me daily. He will attack my thoughts, go after me at my weakest moments and slide in when I least expect it. But “I will build my life upon your love- it is a firm foundation, And I will put my trust in you alone, And I will not be shaken” That is a fact. 

UPDATE-

💗 Newest Update on my financial situation– God continues to work in this area of my life daily. I like to keep the specific ways private as I feel blessings as amazing as these are for Gods glory and not our own. I will assure you though that EVERY single month I have continued to be blessed in the most special ways by the most incredible people. I did run into some unexpected financial issues last month that have hit harder than we had hoped but God is good and I know with his help I will bounce back as I always do! As far as my goal for my surgeons office I am still a little ways a way but I am faithful. I will say that I am HALFWAY there thanks to my loving, supportive family, friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.

All for YOU Always,

Kimberli West XOXO 💗

Christiangirlhere@gmail.com 

https://www.instagram.com/gorgeouscaos/   

https://twitter.com/kimmiekoett

https://kimskause.wordpress.com/donate/